Birthdays and The Art of Wanting

Let me know if you've heard this one before...

It's your birthday! Or it's Christmas! Or it's Hanukkah! Or you just graduated! Or you're engaged or getting married or having a baby or celebrating an anniversary or you've moved into a new home or you see where I'm going with this... It's a time to be joyful and merry because heck yeah, that good thing is happening. Also, you're getting gifts. That's neat!

A person who cares about you deeply might ask, "So, what do you want for [occasion]?"

For me, this is usually my mom, who's on top of things like this that involve some planning ahead, and ensures that the gift she gets is something the person wants, rather than something she thinks they want. And I'll tell you what, for being on this planet for 25 years as of today, I have grown less and less certain about an answer for that question.

When I was a kid, I always knew exactly what I wanted. Or I had a general idea. I don't remember being distinctly dissatisfied with anything I was given. As time has gone on, either I've become a lot more laid back about the gifts I get (me? Laid back? Pshaw!) OR I've had less concrete things to ask for. I'm going to put a pin at around my 16th birthday when I started relying more on suggestions for what to do and how to celebrate my birthday. That neatly fits the timeline of having a regular part-time job beyond babysitting gigs, and having money of my own to spend on things I would otherwise have waited to be gifted to me. 

As time has gone on, I draw a lengthier blank when asked. The 'quick' answers I come up with are practical gifts, things that are a bit more costly but will last. Like kitchen supplies or hiking boots - I'm excited to get them and use them, but they aren't the standard of fun. My fallback has always been bookstore gift cards. I've always known I like surprises, because it shows the people who give me something are doing it of their own accord, with the desire to go above and beyond. In those cases, I didn't ask for anything, and that makes any surprise all the better. 

I don't think I'm good at wanting things. Well, more specifically, I'm not good at wanting physical things. Most of those things I can get on my own, given time. I more so want gestures. When I want, it's not usually a wrapped-up item. It's more abstract, like someone's time, or going to a place with friends and family. 

When my mom asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday last week so she could plan ahead, I mentally flatlined. I knew this past weekend I'd score a lovely home-cooked dinner with my parents. I knew that this upcoming weekend I'd be going to the beach with my parents, my brother, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend and for those of you who don't know, the beach is about as good as it gets for me. With all of these bigger moments, these experiences, I didn't feel any special need to make a fuss on the day of, today. I had no solid plans. I just wanted to make sure I spent time with those I care about. 

I know that down the line I can't hold those memories in my hands. Age and new experiences will trim or alter them. But they are what I want most of all, and they're both the hardest and easiest things to give. You make them together and they live on in the people around you. I find myself truly wanting for little else, and I'm pretty dang lucky to be that way.